I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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