do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
