this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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