Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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