On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
