spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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