I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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