dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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