now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
