Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
