just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
