i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
