I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
