This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize