Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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