the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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