I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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