I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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