you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
