he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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