if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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