here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
as a side note pls kill me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
