dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
