Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize