Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I stole a fireplace last night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
