I got chris browned last night
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
