OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
