Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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