Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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