So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I need to sanitize my soul.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
