I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
