I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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