Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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