He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
