I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
