The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
