The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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