What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't deserve a penis
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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