In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
