I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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