I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
