ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
