He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
