so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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