You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
