I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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