i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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