If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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