I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
