Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
