I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
