I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
