I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
