The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i came on her dog
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
