i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
