hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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