he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
