i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
